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Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:34

I correspond now with 4 men and as my time is very limited, and writing letters takes a lot of time I have to choose one or two to concentrate on. So, whom should I choose?

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:35

The first one – a doctor from Germany. Slavic. Separated and has a son. Going to move to England.
We exchanged only 2 or 3 emails, but I already think that it will not work. I can’t even explain why.
Usually I prefer men who were not married before and have no children. So, men with children are a little bit turn offs for me. I think if I marry someone from abroad there will be enough problems (adaptation and so on) without this additional one (I am not against children, but I want to raise my own children, hope you understand this). But even this wouldn’t be a problem, if there wasn’t certain “dryness” in his letters. In a letter he often uses numerations like a)…, b)…., c)…. and so on. Answering to me he cuts and pastes what I wrote and adds his comments. Maybe for someone it will sound strange but it looks like a business correspondence sometimes.

The second – a journalist, also from Germany, 33 or 34, single, wrote some very enthusiastic letters that he finds me very attractive and so on. Didn’t like his picture, he is maybe atrtractive, but the expression frightens me off. Very cold. Also mentioned that he doesn’t know how to develop this kind of relationship (via internet). Think that I can’t help him as usually I wait for a man to be more active, that’s how it usually goes with me. And if he doesn’t know what to do….

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:36

The third one – Italian. It would be enough itself, but I decided to give it a try. Works at TV. Separated, 44 y.o., 2 children (nearly adult). Here is the 2nd letter he sent me: Dear Zhanna, i write you again, i had express interest in you and you had express interest in me, i wrote you but i don't know if you want start this comunication or not, i'm not insistent person and respect all choice,
i know that far in longterm relationship in internet can to be dangerous but not impossible, i have patiente why i see in you many good values,
you have a beautiful eyes, a nice face and i like your espression,
you make think me about Mona Lisa the great painting in Louvre about Leonardo Da Vinci,
you had read the book Code Da Vinci?
i like your hair too, i like you are slim or near slim why i don't like woman fat or matrioska,
yes we are far but we incoming to know with eyes, with letter, for me it is important for start a friendship, the time will see wath happen,
i write you why i think that you and me have many elements together,
I appreciate knowing you who is in touch with her inner world.
Especially, it is rare to meet a woman who can do that.
i like what i read of your heart....i believe that you are as you write, you have a fine and gentle soul.
I think that from you and me is possible to have a physical and spiritual meeting, my direct e-mail is ………………….
an italian sweet kiss for you
……………….
At first sight the letter seems to be fine with some exceptions. Especially I like this: i like you are slim or near slim why i don't like woman fat or matrioska – I am very pleased not to be compared with matryeshka :-). From my experience Italians are like a dry firewood or even straw, they burn bright but fast. And again the problem with children. But at the same time I would love to live in Rome! :-) Should give it a try.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:37

The forth one, also from Germany (there is a certain reason why I do like German men, but it’s another story). Seems to be very positive, serious, though in English his letters sound a little bit primitive, but I think it is because he maybe uses a translation program. (Hmmm, native speakers have big advantage of being able to express their thoughts, but there is a disadvantage too – they can not hide behind the “language problem” reason, an empty mind cannot produce good thoughts, even in a native language). In my email to him I made a mistake - wrong name (simply cut and pasted the body of letter to other man and with some changes to it). Reacted rather calm, so he is tolerant enough, that’s pro. But his ears! They are too big. And he lives in a very small town I think, at least I never heard about it. Will dye of boredom there.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:39

So, now I think it’s clear why I didn’t find an appropriate man during 3 years on dating sites :-).
But there is a fifth one, my American man, and despite “too old, too far” thing at the moment I prefer him to these men. (He knows that I correspond with other men, it had always been like this. He even asks: “So, with how many men do you correspond now ;-)?”). But he wrote me this: “ As for my feelings for you - you are such a beautiful and interesting person - many contradictions, with views evolving from the constant stream of reality... perception (everyone has a filter). You are intelligent, smart, funny, moody, brooding,… a ball of complexity and sensitivity… it is your beauty to me. These are just my real feelings and views and what I must say for myself about you. I had great physical attraction to you the moment that I saw your picture. What can I say, you are a look that I find beautiful, comely, sensual, sexual… sophisticated as well… BUT, as I have come to know you, the look matters less and less and 'THE YOU" that You are, matters deeply to me.”

PS: Called me and talked to me only for 4 minutes, and that’s after 5 days silence! Told that very busy and have to solve some problems. >:( I will have to find someone else! :-)

The end.
Now your comments, please :-)

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: James (---.dsl.tulsok.swbell.net)
Date: 07-29-05 22:45

Sounds like you should keep writing to italian man, and ditch the other 3 men, and keep yourself open to new men.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:51

And what about my American man? :-)

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:52

“...great physical attraction to you the moment that I saw your picture...” – I think it is the answer to the Darya's poem, isn’t it something that makes the Earth to move ;-)? So, maybe this is the “sparkle” mentioned in one of the previous topics?

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 07-29-05 22:58

The American man has one preoblem, he is going to visit me since January (we know each other for 1,5 year) but I stil waiting for him. I understand, he is veery busy, he is involved into a very important project, but there is an end even to my endless patience.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Lance (---.boeing.com)
Date: 07-30-05 00:42

I want to tell you 3 things regarding separated men.

Don't

Don't

Don't

Do I need to repeat them, or is that clear enough? Everyone needs time after a divorce to find themselves again. The first thing we look for is everything our ex-wife was not. Then, we look for anything we can get. Then, we look for someone who most closely matches the person we would like to be with. That takes no less than a year, and often much longer. Some psychologists say that you need a 1 year break for every 2 years of marriage. I don't think that's true, but you DO need time.

Regarding the American: too old and too busy. Don't waste time with someone who strings you along for 1.5 years. Don't waste time with someone who says they'll visit since January, but never shows. If he has no time for you now, what will your future together be like? Dump him now.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: James (---.dsl.tulsok.swbell.net)
Date: 07-30-05 01:13

Yes i agree with Lance - if he hasnt visited you for 1.5 years, then it means he is not serious about meeting you and you should find men that are serious about you and that will visit you soon. Normally if a man corresponds with you for 3 months, then he should have made plans to visit you. This is what you should look for.

Having been divorced before, it takes a long time for someone to get over an ex-wife, and it is wrong man for you.

You should look for some more men :)

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Lance (---.boeing.com)
Date: 07-30-05 01:20

Agreed. If he hasn't made plans to come see you after 3 months, then he's not serious. Do not accept excuses, delays, justifications. Move on.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Blaine (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 07-30-05 07:15

Wait a minute. WHat is the hurry? 3 months? I will say again--people act like they need instant gratification. There is no long courtship anymore--in person or on the internet. People too quickly throw themselves at an ideal which is a fairy tale. Maybe the internet relations are superb for 3 months,then dissolve in the 4th month. I agree that Zhanna`s American friend is just a correspondence. If he were hell bent on Zhanna,he would beat a path to her doorstep,as I am sure somebody eventually will. But remember that there is no way to jam two similiar looking pieces of a puzzle together to make them fit. It will always look out of place and forced unless it is the correct and corresponding piece. It takes more time then 3 months to establish trust. If a man comes to Zhanna,is she instantly going to say " You will sleep in my home" ? I doubt it. It may take 2 or 3 visits to establish the true relations,one of these visits being Zhanna going to her man`s country. This is a pretty serious thing we talk about,and I personally want much,much information and a foundation of mutual trust and interest. And this takes a lot of time--usually.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Nadya (---.ukrlink.net.ua)
Date: 07-30-05 08:54

Lance, you are very right it your opinion : ,,Everyone needs time after a divorce to find themselves again'' I had a situation like that . I could begin a new relations after my divorce with a new man onlly after one year away. It was very hard to me to start new relations. Because you must be ready for new relations. You must have feelings to givet hem to your partner. And I think it is crime when you start new relations, but you are not ready for this.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Nadya (---.ukrlink.net.ua)
Date: 07-30-05 09:04

Of course, it is very interesting topic. And everyone, who are here in Internet, had problems like Zhanna and not one time.We only can tell our opinion, but everyone must solves a problem of choose for his case.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 08-02-05 22:13

Last week I sent to the 4 above mentioned men one the same letter where I tried to describe myself. Here is an extract from it:

"As the main traits of my character I would name naivety, unwarranted trustfulness, romanticism, shyness, lack of self-assurance and experience, faithfulness, tenderness and vulnerability. Don’t think that these are the most desirable features for men :-).

I’m looking for a man who would have some opposite traits, e.g. would be very experienced, wise, calm, intelligent or even intellectual, stable, who would give me some emotional support and feeling of safety maybe. This is what “ideal man” means for me. Maybe I want too much.

....

Why did you decide to look for a woman from abroad? Are you sure that you are able to overcome all the difficulties of such a relationship? Are you aware that it will take time, finance and patience?"

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.4.---)
Date: 08-02-05 22:20

Think the letter was too honest :-).
No responses till now, only the one with big ears answered :-).
Funny, but he is the one I liked most, even if he is less attractive one out of all 4, maybe I am a pervert :-)?

Big ears, big ears... Hmmmm.....Maybe it's not so bad, he might be a good listener :-), but the problem is that I am the one who usually prefers to listen, not talk :-).

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Gabriel Magana (---.dsl.anhm01.pacbell.net)
Date: 08-02-05 22:47

Hehehe! Good listeners appreciate being listened to...

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Mixtli (---.home.cgocable.net)
Date: 08-03-05 03:03

I don’t know why suddenly came to my mind when I was looking for a job a few years ago; reading to some post have too many prerequisites that it is simply nearly impossible for one person to have :)

It seems that you are one of the few women here with a phone (so far none of the one that I have written has a phone.), and let me tell you something, if a man is truly interested in you, he will call you… and often… and for more than 4 minutes…

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Blaine (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 08-03-05 06:52

You are absolutely right,Mix. When a woman is interested,she will feel the urge deep inside of her to spend as much time as possible with a man. On this site I have written to women,and if anybody here knows anything about me at all,it is that I have attributes which are very good-very decent. I am wise from my years,and a good listener. I make suggestions,offer advice,and sympathize or aggravate when I need to ( I am no pussy ) Women from this site as well as so many others talk the talk,but do not walk the walk. They write of finding men with wonderful character,good sense of humor,financially well off. But for all this talk,many whom I have written do not even have the courtesy to write back,to replay to my letters. They will ignire you as if you do not even exist. One of the threads here talks about cats. If I were a cat,and I approached you and said "meow"--would you look down at me and reply,"oh you made a noise-you sound like a cat! Are you a cat?" When I reply again "meow" ( yes dumbass,I am a cat ) would you then again say,"you look like a cat"? It is no wonder women suffer from so many bad relations. They keep asking the wolf "Are you really a cat?" And he says."Well of course I am",and they keep believing it. And when they see the cat that cares about them and is sincere in his wishes,she keeps saying," Is there any cats in here?"

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Mixtli (---.home.cgocable.net)
Date: 08-03-05 17:21

Blaine, that is because the wolf is most of the times much better looking that the cat ;-)

Internet “dating” is not easy. You can find anything here, and I am not saying only scammers (female or male), but, you know, it is SO EASY to be a good person by email. People tend to tell about themselves only what they want to say, increasing –or faking- their virtues and minimizing –or hiding- their faults. How could you be sure just by looking at pictures and reading emails? No one is going to give you a list of their defects, and if they do, they will be minimized and most of the times excused. No one is going to send you a picture after waking up, but instead, you see all these “studio” pictures… It is so easy to lie on the Internet, but people on these sites should not complain about this, because it is just a true fact… like swimming in the Amazon river in search for a great pearl you know is there, and then complaining about how many piranhas are around you, all looking like pearls… If you base this exclusively on emails, how can you be sure you are actually talking to a girl instead of a Hairy truck driver from Arkansas?…

Cats… Wolves… you don’t ask, but you find out this on yourself… If you don’t like the cat, fair enough, you are not obligated to love someone you don’t feel attracted –either physically and mentally- to her… as long as we don’t play with anyone feelings making her believe things we don’t feel, you can look for another cat if the one you found first was not the one you liked :)

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.5.---)
Date: 08-03-05 20:23

"No one is going to give you a list of their defects" - but not me I guess, I wrote above about some of my faults, and said that it frightened 3 men out of 4 (yesterday the Italian wrote so the letter turned to be not so frightening :-), pity, I thought that I found a way to get rid of some not desirable men :-) ). I can say that I am lazy, maybe not the type that will cry because of a broken nail, but the one who would like to have a comfortable life at someone elses expense :-). Not that I will not work at all, but I would like to do the work that isn't too hard and well paid at the same time :-) - so we came to another shortcoming - being a dreamer :-).

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.5.---)
Date: 08-03-05 20:36

To Mixtli: Should I understand you as I am the one of few real women here, I mean the one who is not a scammer? As only 1% or even less can have no phone at all.

You are right, and I don't like writing emails, usually if a man doesn't call me after 5-6 letters, I consider that he is not serious about me.

The American calls me, now not as often as used to because of the place where he is now. He used to call me from Kuwait using his American carrier or from a hotel phone and we usually talked for more than hour, I think you can guess how much is it per minute.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Mixtli (---.home.cgocable.net)
Date: 08-03-05 22:39

Oh no Zhanna, I am not saying that everyone without a phone is a scammer, but if what you say is true (that only 1% has no phone at all), that means that I have been emailing exclusively with that 1% ;-)

Well, don’t be so hard on them. Maybe they don’t call you after 5-6 letters because they are very cheap (which could be considered either a defect or someone who likes to save)… you know? By the way the people write to you, it is not very difficult to find out if they are very interested in you and if you are interested in them, which is not the same, for example, he might be interested in you, but you really don’t feel “anything” by reading his responses (some people could be really boring and annoying even by email).

To get rid of non-desirable men? I recommend a hit with a big stick in the back on the head, works better than a list of defects ;-)

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.5.---)
Date: 08-05-05 22:24

There is something about men usual joke about women’s logic. For example, I read many recommendations how to sort out men on dating sites. Usually they recommend to write list of your demands, i.e. desired age, location, occupation, income, family status, etc. I tried to, but I always make exceptions when it comes to the point when I have make a choice, I know that I will not be able to live in a small town, but if I like a man, I can not quit him and turn to other “suitors” just because he lives in a small town. Similarly, I understood from the very beginning that the American is too old for me, and that America is too far, but I liked him. But these 2 disadvantages are really big and sometimes I think that if I quit him much earlier it wouldn’t be so difficult now, when we got attached to each other. I think I am too emotional. I think a man would be more rational and if he decided that there is something in me that he considers as a big disadvantage, he would have quit me at once. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus :-).

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Zhanna (195.82.5.---)
Date: 08-05-05 22:27

Another problem is that usually I prefer not to choose, but to be chosen. So, I can choose only from those ones who contacted me. In this case I can at least be sure that they like my look (I think most of men on these sites are looking for European looking women, not Asian, for this they would go to some Eastern sites maybe) and other general characteristics. I tried to write myself, but it was not effective. I think men are still “hunters” in a way and consider a “pray” hunting them as not a normal situation.

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Re: Who to choose. Pro and con.

Author: Blaine (---.ph.ph.cox.net)
Date: 08-05-05 23:45

Zhanna,you are not familiar with American women!! They are often the huntress,and men are their prey. You are a fine looking woman,and your good looks go beyond any ethnic barrier. Your questions are not unreasonable. Before making a life-altering decision,you should be aware and as knowledgeable as possible about a person`s work and domestic situation. Do not throw your fate to the wind!! If you are truly friends with a man,he will not abandon your friendship,but rather will wish for all that is best for you,and all that makes you happy

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