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We fear What We want Most

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Jeff Herring
We fear What We want most

Let's take a look at some of the obstacles to finding this kind of relationship.

Fear Of Intimacy

We human beings are fairly complicated. Many people deeply fear the very thing they most want. Striking a healthy balance between a fear of and a desire for an intimate relationship can be very difficult. When a fear of intimacy takes over, people can become experts at relationship sabotage.

Faulty relationship radar. Some people continually make the same poor choices of partner. It's as if each of us had an "internal radar" that picks up "our kind" of person. Whether your radar scans for healthy or unhealthy choices depends on how it is set. How your internal radar, is set depends on three factors:

1) your self-esteem,

2) the model of relationships set by the family in which you grew up and

3) your own relationship experience.

Movies, literature and music have given us the notion that "somewhere out there" is the one perfect person for each of us. I'll probably get some letters about this, but I don't think this matches reality. If you just look around, you'll notice that many "perfect matches" are divorced within a few years.

In one episode of the TV show "MASH" is a scene in which Hawkeye and Margaret are sitting at a bar commiserating about their relationships, which have just ended. One says to the other, "Our problem is that we keep looking for a perfect, tailored fit in an off-the-rack world.".

This is where a great many people get stuck. It's my belief that in fact there are many people out there who have the potential to be a "good fit" as a soul mate.

Chain relationships. In much the same way that chain smokers will smoke one cigarette after another, some people move out of one relationship and then immediately into another'. These people are typically running from something and have very little knowledge or sense of self when they are not in, relationships.

Jeff Herring

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