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Reasons He Didn't Call

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Rachel Greenwald
It's the new riddle of the Sphinx: Why didnt he call me back? You have a great first date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again but then poof! He vanishes inexplicably. You sit around with your girlfriends and debate why he didnt call you back. What happened in between Ill pick you up at 8pm and poof? You speculate, you obsess, you rationalize, you justify. You want to know why. When your friends tell you, Its not you, its him, you want to know if theyre trying to be nice or telling you the truth.

Guess what? There is someone who does know the truth about what really happened on your date. But its not you. Its not your friends. And its certainly not your mother. Its the guy you went out with. So I decided to ask him for you! In fact, I asked 1,000 hims. During the past ten years as a dating coach and matchmaker, I conducted exit interviews with 1,000 single guys to find out why you never heard from him again after a date, or after he flirted with you online or at a party. And I got some real answers. It turns out there are clear, consistent reasons why men show initial interest and then disappear. Sure, sometimes the issue is all hiswho hasnt gone out occasionally with a real jerk? But it turns out that many times were sending out signals we might not be aware of. And the good news is that most of these signals are easy to fine-tune.

Men essentially confessed that when they first meet you, they have several female stereotypes floating around in their mind. They quickly try to peg which stereotype you are and then look for evidence to back up their hunch. You know who you are deep down, but he doesnt yet. So he will decide whether to call you again based on his perception of you, not the reality. In the early stage of dating, perception is reality. Here are three of the most common reasons men revealed why they arent calling women back (get the other 7 reasons - and what you can do about all of them - in my new book).

Reason #1: The Boss Lady

His perception: Hed rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think hes intimidated by your success, hes thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

Your reality: Youre confident, forthright and successful, but he cant yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess

His perception: Youre looking for a Perfect 10: the guys whos a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks youre high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe youre interested in a nice lifestyle, though its not your only priority. But hes jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (youre guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him Whats your favorite hotel in St. Barts? you should ask Whats your favorite little neighborhood café? When the waiter inquires whether youd like tap or bottled, dont order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass}

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins

His perception: Youre pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think youre a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, hed rather do the chasing.

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work youre rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Dont say, Lets do this again sometimethats his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first datedo absolutely nothing to follow-up (dont even check to see if hes logged into his online dating profile). Hes a big boy and knows how to contact you if hes interested.

Rachel Greenwald

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