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Skye Thomas
Most people agree that part of the marriage vows is a pledge of fidelity. This is an obvious area of importance that you must agree on. You will sleep with other people or you wont. More importantly in this area is the general idea of sexual compatibility. There are a lot of deep psychological buttons that get pushed and triggers that go off when we are in a sexual relationship with someone. Some of them can be positive and some can be negative. Some can be consciously altered and others are buried deep within the subconscious and will be next to impossible to change. Without going into a huge discussion at this time, suffice it to say that you are either turned on by someone or you are not. Sexual compatibility is extremely important and very difficult to change. This isnt the same as technique and style. That can be learned and mutually explored. There is only so much you can force yourself to do for their sake before your own desires shut down.

Ability to Share Some people are simply selfish and greedy. Others enjoy sharing everything. It doesnt take long to see that the mine vs ours debate is extremely destructive to a long-term relationship. You need to agree on division of property or agree to share. The ability to share will actually hint at the core of the me/we dynamic in a relationship. Are you roommates who sleep together or are you two halves of a single unit? This is a weird area of compatibility that people often overlook but it will hint at things to come in your marriage. This is the area that causes such statements, like I let you have children didnt I? I care for your children dont I? I let you have a new car didnt I? Why do you have to keep attacking me for more money? Incompatibility in this area will bleed into many other areas of your life and its extremely difficult to change someone elses views about such things.

Religion and Spirituality You dont have to have the same beliefs and you dont have to practice the same religion. You do have to agree that you will or will not follow the same spiritual path. This is a mixed issue. For those who dont really care one way or the other, you can compromise. For someone who is extremely religious, they will need to find someone who pretty much agrees with them or theyll be miserable. Love alone cannot heal the spiritual compatibility challenges. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to choose between your lover and your god. It will eat at you until you resolve it within yourself.

Education and Intellect Nobody likes to feel like they are stupid and nobody likes to feel that they are talking to a brick wall. Someone can be quite smart but not have a lot of formal education. Someone can have multiple college degrees but no common sense. Chances are that you are attracted to another person somewhat because they meet your minimum requirements for this area, but it does happen that people will get together for other reasons and completely overlook the importance of mental compatibility.

Cultural Beliefs You need to agree that you will both be white supremacists, or you will both hate gays, or you will both be activists, or you will both be freedom fighters, or you will both be couch potatoes, or you will both be coaches and mentors to our youth, etc. Its not that you have to work hand-in-hand, but you really cant match a Vegan with a Butcher Shop Owner and expect them to be compatible. They might love each other, but their belief systems in this area will be difficult for both. If neither of you really cares what other people do with their lives as long as they dont meddle in yours, then you are more compatible than couple who are passionately committed to opposing social causes or cultural belief systems.

Public Image Some people dont give a damn what others think of them. Some people care very much about their public image, especially if their career or their life purpose is somehow connected with the public at large. A politician and a stripper are going to have compatibility issues as a married couple thrown into the public eye every time the politician campaigns for office. Thats an extreme example of course, but incompatibility in this area can make or break careers, destroy ones ability to reach their personal goals, and can make the one who doesnt care what others think of them feel like their partner cares more about the public opinion than the marriage itself. For most people this isnt a huge topic of concern, but if it will be for you, then you should make sure you have compatible views before you run for a high profile position.

Reliability Nothing destroys trust faster than a series of broken promises. Without trust, love will disappear. Some people get distracted and forget to show up to meetings or forget to pick up the list of groceries on the way home from work. Will that make you crazy or will it be completely fine with you? Does it matter to you that they keep their word or do you let things slide? What about little white lies? You had better both agree on what level of trust and reliability you will have between each other or the marriage is doomed from the start.

Social Skills and Popularity This is somewhat like the extended family and the basic personality portion of compatibility but there are a few differences. If you are the type of person who needs a lot of one-on-one time with your partner and need to feel that you are the number one center of their universe, then you may not want to marry someone who is a social butterfly with lots of friends and colleagues telephoning, dropping by, inviting them out to play, and dragging them off to group activities. On the other hand, if you are one who thrives on social activity and love your friends like they are all family, then you are going to feel tied down and caged by a lover who expects you to focus only on them day in and day out. This is an area where compromise can occur, but its not an easy area to change.

Honesty and Integrity - How do you feel about someone cheating on their taxes? How do you feel about someone who does not give back the extra change they just received from a cashier? How do you feel about hidden pasts and skeletons in the closet? How do you feel about secrets and lies? This is another area of compatibility that people often dont bother to think about until after its too late. Its not the same as fidelity and loyalty, but it does affect your overall respect and trust of someone. How would they conduct themselves when you are not around?

Depth of Connection Needed Some folks are fine with a light superficial relationship and others need to be deeply connected soulmates. Its important that you and your partner are compatible in this area because if one of you wants a deeply connected relationship and the other wants to keep things light, then there will be hurt feelings. The person who wants more is going to feel the relationship is empty and without substance. The person who doesnt want to go that deep is going to feel like someone is trying to psychoanalyze their every thought, feeling, and action under a microscope.

Whether you are using an astrology compatibility report, a professional matchmaker, a book on compatibility, a matchmaking website with computer generated matches, your friends opinions and feedback, or just your gut instinct to help you find your best partner, you need to know that on most levels you and your lover are compatible as well as in love. Yes, the relationship absolutely must be a love match because love motivates you to want to fix the problems that come between you, but you also really need to be compatible so that the road you travel together has the fewest possible potholes, roadblocks, and fallen debris in your way. Falling in love is easy; staying in love is a whole other story.

Skye Thomas

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