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Debora Myers
Some of us never had good role models to pattern ourselves after when it came to learning how to have an intimate relationship a partner.

Some of us may have shut down due to bad first love experiences or repeated bad choices for lovers and have a hard time opening ourselves up to potential pain again. So we end up in dry, unfulfilling relationships or none at all, but the need for intimacy and connection is still there.

Whether your intimacy was lost due to a long-term relationship going sour or from the reasons mentioned above... you might benefit from these simple ideas to help you on your way toward a more intimate connection with your love partner.

Be a Good Listener

Sometimes we get so involved in our own thoughts and ideas that we run over our partner in our enthusiasm. Remember that if you simply quiet your own mind, close your mouth and open you ears and mind you will be gaining insight. Insight is sister to Intimacy.

Don't Beat a Dead Horse

It's wise to let your love know that you wish to become closer but be careful in how you attempt to get your point across. Even if you are making a good point, don't keep on and on and on. Your partner will become annoyed and shut you out completely, never hearing what is important to you. Instead, try to present your point from different perspectives or in other creative ways. Find an article by a "professional" to back you up and leave it where he/she will see and hopefully read it... be creative in your attempts to drive a point home. But also know when to give it a rest.

Take a Break

Take a break from one another once in a while. Find activities that are separate from one another. Fulfill that void in yourself before you go looking for someone to do it for you. You will be more likely to find intimacy if you are intimate with yourself first.

Romantic Dates

Plan romantic outings together in quiet places. Make sure you are in an environment where you can talk openly or simply enjoy being with one another without distraction. Picnics are a lovely way to get away from it all and focus entirely on each other. Try to plan simple dates. Sometimes the fun is lost when you get caught up in the planning. Don't get hung up on the perfect date either. If go to a restaurant and the food stinks, send it back and laugh about it on the way to the ice cream shop for a cone. Try simply taking a walk along the waterfront or in the park.

Soften the Exterior

Sometimes life can make us (pardon the expression) crusty, like a loaf of French bread. You may be all nice and soft on the inside but your defensive mechanisms have made an exterior that may be intimidating to anyone trying to reach in to get to know the "real" you. Work on softening your exterior defensive mechanisms. Catch yourself and be aware of any subconscious intimacy fears that may sabotage anyone getting close to you.

I know someone that aggressively talks a million miles a minute, running you over and never ever letting you get a word in edge-wise. It used to really make me angry until I got to know her. I realized that she was so scared and insecure that she just wouldn't let me in for one secondshe was afraid of what I (or anyone else) had to say because she assumed it wouldn't be nice. She was afraid of intimacy.


Gentle nonsexual, tender touching can convey your love and warm your partner up to you better than the best poetry, wine, flowers, or diamonds.

A slight stroke to the hand, or a tender kiss on the back of the neck can say it all.

Be Open

Take a deep breath and bring love into your body and heart chakra. Let that loving feeling pull up into your eyes and then gaze into your lover's eyes at that very moment. Allow the moment to happen. Don't look away. Try to remember the first time you and your love looked at one another with goo-goo eyes. Recapture that feeling and bring it back to life.


Maintain patience and wait for your love to come around. You cannot push and shove and whine and wheedle and MAKE someone want to get closer to you. You need to do it without trying to force the issue. Communication is good. Start with little bits at a time or as a good friend of mine say's Take Baby Steps.

These are a few tips for opening up the communication process toward becoming closer with your love on a deeper and more intimate level. Remember the little things that can please your honey. Reach out lovingly without expecting to "get something back" immediately.

Instead of harping on the negative aspects of the relationship and lack of intimacy, try catching yourself every time you say or think negatively and communicate an apology or simply replace the unsaid negative thought with a positive one.

Make sure you are creating an environment that is conducive to love and intimacy. How can your lover ever think of getting more intimate with you if the phone is ringing, the kids are fighting and you are screaming?

Add a little "honey" to the recipe and I bet he'll eat you up!

Debora Myers

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