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Eileen Edwards
You can' t have anything until you define it. This applies whether we are speaking about a new home, pair of shoes, holiday or anything else that you care to name.

If you have any doubts about this try going to your nearest Railway Station and asking for "a ticket to somewhere". Even if you elaborate by saying "somewhere nice" or "somewhere where I will be happy" you won't get very far. Most women do this when it comes to finding their ideal man. Many women have a vague,general idea that their Mr Right is out there somewhere and one day they will meet. That's not a very practical or effective way to go about finding a life partner.

One of the reasons this occurs is due to the romantic myth that unlike finding a job or a home a life partner will somehow just appear in our lives. Women who wait passively for this to happen wouldn't sit around hungry waiting for food to appear. Or expect employers to beat a path to their door if they were seeking work. I teach my clients a far more practical and effective way to find a life partner.

It consists of four written exercises aimed at defining your future and the man that you will share it with. I'll share two of them here. Surprisingly many women in thinking about life with their ideal man never actually define the lifestyle that they will live. If someone wants to live a lifestyle that's at odds with yours you are unlikely to share a happy future.

To state the obvious your shared lifestyle should be a blend of his lifestyle and yours. The women who don't think about this usually end up living his lifestyle. You are seeking a partnership not a hostile take over.

Step1- define your ideal future, where you will live, how you will live, think of a typical day in the working week and what you would be doing, how would you spend your weekends, what sort of holidays and trips would you take. Project your thoughts into the future mentally picturing how life would evolve for you and your ideal man.

Step 2-describe your ideal man. The more accurately you can do this the sooner he is likely to turn up in your life. This won't happen by magic but by the following two principles of psychology. Once you have a clear idea of the man that you are looking for you will see and seize all manner of opportunities to meet him. These opportunities always existed you just were not aware of them.

Because the unconscious mind (the part of the mind that we are unaware of in everyday life) is creative it tends to bring into our lives whatever we think about on a regular basis.

You're a unique individual and your description of your ideal man will be unique too. What follows is a series of headings to help you describe your future partner. They fit broadly into three-categories physical, personality and lifestyle. These are just to get you started. You really need to ask and answer your own questions.

Physical-hair colour, eye colour, height, build.

Personality- personality types that attract are extremely individual. We are all a blend of introvert and extrovert and have many facets to our personalities. Note here the personality traits that attract you. Interestingly in conversations with my one to one clients the top personality traits chosen have always been caring and kind followed by intelligent.

The most important thing is that your needs and desires dovetail so that you can enjoy a happy shared future. I am speaking about a future in which you make joint decisions and live the life that both of you want.

Some questions you might ask in the lifestyle section- Occupation, income, type of home, car. His education, achievements- for example-Law degree, owns and runs his own garage, teaches special needs children

Who does he live with -his parents-alone-shared home with friends? Does he have an ex-wife/partner/children? How does he spend his time when not working? Does he have pets? What are his passions, for example- save the whale-he would love to travel into outer space? As you answer the questions are you now aware of how your future partner is becoming more real as you flesh out his description?

This is important for two reasons one what seem like small annoyances at the beginning of a relationship can become real problems months or years into the relationship. The fact that your partner likes to play loud rock music whilst you prefer something classical may initially seem unimportant. When you have to wake up morning after morning to what to you could sound like "a racket" it could be a problem. Or as someone who enjoys good food and wine the fact that your boyfriend prefers frozen hamburgers and lager may at first seem a novelty. But would you want to go on eating like this year after year or preparing separate meals. The other really important point of defining your future partner's lifestyle is that knowing it gives great clues as to where you are likely to find him.

Eileen Edwards

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