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Rinatta Paries
Whether in an intimate or another kind of a relationship, how easily do you get what you ask for? And, how easily do you ask for what you want or need?

Many people are frustrated in all sorts of relationships, seemingly unable to get what they need or want. Sometimes not getting what you want happens because you do not make a request. Sometimes many requests later, you may still find yourself not having what you want.

This happens in all types of relationships, including intimate and dating relationships, family, friendships and work relationships. Because this newsletter is about intimate relationships, that is where the article will focus. However, if you are having a problem getting what you want in any other relationship, the information below will be useful as well.

There are tricks to getting what you ask for in any relationship. And wonderfully, these tricks are the opposite of manipulation. Here they are, the ten action to take to get what you want, whenever possible.

1. It's ok to ask

This is the first and most important trick. Understand that you have the right to ask for anything you need or want. Whether it be an evening of help with childcare, help with the chores, an investment in your personal growth, or a gift you want, etc. Always, always ask for what you want from anyone you want it from.

2. Be prepared to hear a "yes" or a "no"

One effective way to ask is to be prepared to hear either a "yes" or a "no". This gives the person you are asking a true choice. People like the freedom and power of being able to truly choose. Ask this way and you are more likely to hear a "yes".

3. Never make a "no" wrong

If you get a "no" to your request, be gracious. Anything but a gracious reaction will mean you were making a demand instead of a request. Demands are never well responded to and are always resisted. Make a "no" wrong and you are asking for more "no's". Be gracious, and you will get a "yes" in the future.

4. Have an alternative strategy

You have the right to make a request and the person you are making a request of has the right the say "no". This means, like it or not, you need an alternative strategy. If someone says "no", you can't somehow make him or her do or give you what you want. But you can still make sure to get what you want.

5. Assume that it would be a "yes" if...

Assume the person or people who you are asking for something have your best interests in mind. If you get a "no", assume the reasons for your request are not clear. Assume that if your reasons were known, your request would be granted. Make your reasons known, gently.

6. Make the impact known

How would a "yes" or a "no" impact you? Does the person you are asking know the impact of a "yes" or a "no"? Small things can and do have a profound impact on us. So, get clear on the impact a "yes" or a "no" will have on you. Share this information with the person you are asking.

7. Honor his or her requests

If you want to hear "yes" and get what you want you know the other person does as well. If you give what she or he wants, consistently, you will get what you want more often too. The key is to give and do what you are being asked for and not what you think the other person wants.

8. Don't ever nag

Nagging is a way of making the same request over and over, in order to wear the person down and force what you want. Nagging may sometimes get you want you want in short term. But it always backfires, because it crates intense anger in both the nagged and the nagger. If you need to repeat a request more than once, do so in the spirit of the ideas above.

9. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate

When you get a "yes", make a big deal out of it. Make the other person feel good. He or she just made you feel good, so return the favor. The more you appreciate the more the other person will want to give to you and do for you. In fact, even if you do not feel appreciative, act appreciative. After a while, you will begin to feel appreciative.

10. Cure the "I shouldn't have to ask you to do this"

Ok, how much do you resent asking someone to do something they should have known to do in the first place? Don't you get angry having to ask for that sort of action at all? In such cases, remember he or she is not intentionally offending you or taking advantage of you. He or she is not you, but a different person, with different standards and priories. You do have to ask to get what you want. Just do it right.

Rinatta Paries

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